Relationships: Draining or Energizing?

I have a friend I’ve known for thirty years…

We’ve walked through so much of life together — laughter, heartbreak, milestones, change.

But over time, I started noticing something I couldn’t ignore:
Every time we spent time together, I left feeling heavy.

Not because she was a bad person.
Not because I didn’t care.
But because something in me felt stuck.

I was showing up in the same old patterns.
Having the same draining conversations.
Becoming a version of myself that no longer felt aligned with who I was growing into.

For a long time, I pushed that feeling aside.
My head told me to stay loyal.
My heart told me not to hurt anyone.
So I ignored my gut.

Until I couldn’t anymore.

And when I finally listened, I realized this wasn’t just about one friendship. It was about a lifetime of relationships - many in which I had abandoned myself.

That awareness led me to the Enneagram.

What I discovered changed everything.

The Enneagram didn’t just tell me who I was —
it helped me understand why I stayed,
why I overgave,
why certain relationships felt so exhausting,
and what I truly needed to experience peace.

For the first time, I could see my patterns clearly.

I began to understand that honoring myself wasn’t rejection.
It was wisdom.

Sometimes love looks like creating healthier boundaries.
Sometimes love means allowing relationships to evolve.
And sometimes love means letting go with grace, so both people have space to become who they’re meant to be.

That shift was profound.

What once felt like guilt started to feel like freedom.
What once felt like loss started to feel like healing.

So I started paying attention.

How did my body feel around certain people?
Did I feel calm, seen, energized?
Or tense, depleted, and small?

And slowly, I began choosing relationships that felt life-giving.
Connections where I could fully be myself.
Relationships rooted in peace, joy, and authenticity.

It’s been a journey.
One of courage, self-awareness, and growth.

But it has been absolutely worth it.

So this week, I invite you to gently ask yourself:

How do the people in your life make you feel?
Are your relationships helping you grow?
Are they aligned with who you truly are?

Your inner wisdom already knows.

And if you’re feeling stuck in patterns you can’t quite name, the Enneagram may offer the insight you’ve been longing for.

Sometimes the path to healthier relationships begins with finally understanding yourself.

Ready to find out what kind of relationships would actually light you up? That's exactly what we dig into in an Enneagram consultation. Book yours today and let's find you some answers.

Hi! I am Paula McCoach of Your Number Matters. As an experienced Enneagram coach & consultant, I specialize in helping others discover their Enneagram number & use their strengths to transform into their best selves. I offer both in-person & online coaching for individuals & groups.

I’ve been actively studying and working with the Enneagram for over 20 years, with a focus in the Riso-Hudson tradition. My journey has included participation in numerous Enneagram retreats, workshops, and trainings aimed at deepening both personal growth and professional application.

Since 2019, I’ve been a member of an advanced monthly Enneagram study group facilitated by certified Enneagram coaches and authors, and I am currently training with a Riso-Hudson Certified Enneagram coach and licensed therapist. I’m also a member of the International Enneagram Association (IEA), where I continue my education through ongoing trainings and community engagement.

My approach integrates psychological insight, somatic awareness, and spiritual development—bringing depth and compassion to individuals and groups seeking transformation through the lens of the Enneagram.

Outside of my Enneagram business, I am a Tutor both privately and with Wright Academics. I tutor in English Language Arts, writing, executive function, as well as in test prep for SAT, ACT and ISEE.