Resolving Conflicts Alone?

You can’t resolve a conflict alone – no matter how hard you try.

I have a friend who is fun, joyful, usually in a good mood, supportive, and looks on the bright side.

Sounds like a perfect relationship, right?

We recently had a conflict, and I could not pin her down to talk about and resolve it. She always wants to be happy and look at things on the bright side but will not, and I mean absolutely refuses, to deal with any difficult emotions.

Ugh.

I really enjoyed the relationship with her and had fun. But there's more to a full, rich relationship than fun. Two people need to be able to work out difficulties. And in all relationships, even the fun ones, there are conflicts.

I approached her several times and asked if she could meet me halfway in resolving our communication issues. I said I would do most of the work, if she would just put in a little effort.

I did. She didn't.

The relationship ended. Not from lack of love — from lack of effort on one side.

No matter how many ways I asked her to communicate, she refused or just wasn't willing to change.

Most likely, she is an Enneagram 7 — the "Joy Bombs" of the Enneagram. Fun, but elusive and avoidant when it comes to difficult emotions in the present.

Here's the truth: you can't resolve a conflict solo. It takes two people willing to sit in discomfort for five minutes. If someone refuses that, no amount of patience fixes it.

So if this is you: stop auditioning for their willingness. Say what you need, once, clearly. If they dodge — believe them.

But here's what changes the game: learn their Enneagram number.

Once I understood the Enneagram 7 pattern — the compulsive need to stay positive, the discomfort with pain — I stopped taking it personally.

Knowing someone's number won't fix them. But it will save you months of confusion.

So do the work: learn the number. Read the pattern. Then decide what you're willing to live with.

Are you trying to fix a relationship with someone who refuses to feel?

CLICK HERE to get started on your Enneagram Journey.

Hi! I am Paula McCoach of Your Number Matters. As an experienced Enneagram Coach and Consultant, I specialize in helping others discover their Enneagram number and use their strengths to transform into their best selves. I offer both in-person and online coaching for individuals and groups.

I’ve been actively studying and working with the Enneagram for over 20 years, with a focus in the Riso-Hudson tradition. My journey has included participation in numerous Enneagram retreats, workshops, and trainings aimed at deepening both personal growth and professional application.

Since 2019, I’ve been a member of an advanced monthly Enneagram study group facilitated by certified Enneagram coaches and authors, and I am currently training with a Riso-Hudson Certified Enneagram coach and licensed therapist. I’m also a member of the International Enneagram Association (IEA), where I continue my education through ongoing trainings and community engagement.

My approach integrates psychological insight, somatic awareness, and spiritual development—bringing depth and compassion to individuals and groups seeking transformation through the lens of the Enneagram.

Outside of my Enneagram business, I am a Tutor both privately and with Wright Academics. I tutor in English Language Arts, writing, executive function, as well as in test prep for SAT, ACT and ISEE.